Here's Why Saying 'No' in This Rape-Culture Society Might be Harder Than You Think

I took my first self-defense class today (12/1/18) and was surprised by how much talking there was. Talking about our feelings, and about fear, and anger. Talking about a lot of stuff that has flown my mind’s coup, but suffice to say that it was a lot of talking for the first two hours. In this time, I realized/remembered my problems with saying no to people: friends, family, co-workers, strangers. Sadly enough, yes, I even have a hard time saying no to strangers. I do it, but the feelings that come up are that I feel bad for how my saying no will possibly hurt their feelings. I avoid the glaring reality that I am putting their needs and feelings above my own; I am disregarding my own right to say what goes on regarding me and my body. This was a huge A-HA moment, but also an eye-opening reminder that I had figured this out years ago, and promptly forgot. I decided that “saying no” is worth revisiting, unpacking, and strengthening, and thusly, my blog finally took shape. Confirming this fact for me happened in the workshop today. We did an exercise in which we asked a partner if we could touch their hand. The first time, the answer was supposed to be ‘no’. The second time was up to the partner. Then we swapped, and it was my turn to say ‘no’ first, and then decide yes or no for the second time asked. Without even thinking about it, I said “No” the first time. And then for the second time, I said “yes” even though I wanted to say no. I was worried about my partner’s feelings and the fact she had said no when I’d asked her, and so I wanted to add variety, and thusly said ‘yes.’ As I later shared my experience with the class, I realized several things. First, I said no because I had been told to. I didn’t even question it. Second, I was so concerned about hurting her feelings that the second time she asked if she could touch my hand, I said yes so that she wouldn’t think I was rejecting her. Thirdly, I was additionally so concerned about my perception of adding variety, that I did not consider that she might not want to touch my hand. After all, she had answered ‘no’ when I’d asked her.

I feel that “saying no” deserves a spotlight, and so I am creating this space to look into this subject, to give it air to breath, to give it the attention it deserves.