Graduated College, Now What?

I have graduated college with my associate's degree, and am trying to figure out what to do next. The answer is simple of course...write! Isn't that why I'm in school to begin with? To become a better writer? Yes, that is why I'm in school, and why I want/wanted (I waffle back and forth on this issue) to transfer to a four year university to complete my bachelor's in creative writing. What's the big deal, you may be asking? You went through two years of school and now are tired of the work and want to quit?

Here's the thing. I started my associates in 2013. I had no idea what was waiting for me when I started. The intense full-time schedule pushed me beyond my comfort levels, thrust me into the open mine field of all of my fears that I had thus far been able to avoid with my humble career in crap jobs. For starters, I had a debilitating fear of speaking in public. Big deal, lots of people do. However, it may not be a big deal for those who don't have the fear and easier for them to group us all into a statistic. But as someone who shakes so bad that I can't hold anything, including my legs keeping me standing, I look like a jackhammer, my heart pounding so hard I feel like a cartoon animal with its heart jumping out of it chest. It does not help that others suffer similar fates. That doesn't take away the shame and anxiety as people watch with pity, awkwardness, or humor in their faces. But why did I start talking about this? That is how much I obsessed over this fear. It comes from a real place, one that I won't cover here, but suffice it to say, I avoided speaking in public.. Long story short, I conquered the fear through repeated exposure, trial and error, and a few successes.

In 2013, 5 people I knew, including my aunt and a friend; both died suddenly. In 2016, a close friend was killed in a car crash, and my mother died from a surprise case of ALS. Surprise because she hid it from us until it could be hidden no longer, and four months later she was dead. I still can't talk about it. Several months later, a kind uncle, one of my mom's older brothers, died. I think that is everyone, but at this point, I can't be sure. Death came and refused to leave, and honestly, when my Mom was diagnosed and died four months later, I couldn't even think about school. So I took a couple years off. As I edit this post, I must add the death of my Mom's sweet kitty Deena, who I adopted after my Mom died. I cannot even remotely talk about that because it tore me apart inside and out; watching this poor, sweet, brave "smush face" (as I called her) slowly get sicker until her quality of life declined to the point it was time to put her out of her misery, broke my heart.

After my Mom died, though, when I was once more feeling like something resembling human, I got back into school. Before my time off, I had fallen back to part-time classes, and would do classes every other quarter, taking the summer off. But after so much loss and "life experience", I wanted to get school done. It happened to be summer quarter. Don't ask me what the year was. Since losing my mom, I can't keep track of time to save my life. I think my mind went into the clouds. The important thing is, I started in that summer, and took at least two classes every single quarter, sometimes full time, but mostly part-time, and did not stop until I was done. That would be winter quarter of this year. I just finished the hardest class of my college career, physics for non-science majors, because I needed one more science class. That was a few weeks ago (somehow pulled off a 4.0!), and now I am done!

As I write this, I can see why I'm questioning my former resolve to follow through to the end of a Bachelor's Degree. Never mind that universities and colleges are scrounging for students. Never mind that students graduate and STILL can't find jobs in their chosen fields. As a creative writer, my goal is to become a better writer, and if the schooling helps me to achieve that, then my goal will have been achieved. Nothing guarantees success in the writing field, so I figure I don't risk much in continuing my education. The ginormous cost does stay my restless mind, but I fear regretting not following through with this great task I set for myself so many years ago.